I bumped into a neighbor while on a morning walk. He usually walks about the same time as I so we meet quite often. He is about my age and is a retired marine pilot. His wife has had a couple of strokes and macular degeneration has left her almost blind. He is the primary caregiver and has been for about five years, a daughter is available to give some support. I have heard his story enough times to know that I am about the only outlet for his frustration and anger. The story is always the same but I listen as if it was news to me because I know he needs to tell it again and again.
They have been married for over fifty years. He retired from the military and had a successful career in commercial real estate before a second retirement brought them to live in this neighborhood. His wife had been diagnosed with macular degeneration but the loss of sight had been slight and they seemed ready to travel and enjoy the fruits of their labor. On the trip moving here her eyesight began to deteriorate rapidly and in a very few days she was almost blind. Then came two strokes that have left her needing to use a walker and suffering the loss of her short term memory.
That much of the story was what he always shared, but this morning was different. This time he began talking about how hard he was trying not to be short tempered or cross with his wife but it seemed to be getting harder and harder. He said, “I know she is frustrated and miserable about her loss of sight but does she have to keep telling me she cannot see? I hear that over and over again day after day. I tell her she does not have to tell me she cannot see to do something just tell me what she wants and let me do it. My great fear is one day she will say that and I will back hand her.”
We talked a while about his need for a break and some kind of social contact away from his wife, but he said he had a long term insurance policy that would pay for home care and at one time had started the process of arranging for a visiting nurse to come mornings and evenings. When it came time to interview people his wife absolutely refused to have anyone in the house. She was perfectly content with his being the one and only caregiver. He said that with the kind of shrug that said, “What could I do?” He is trapped.
He is trapped by the built in “I can take care of things" that seems to permeate us males. He is trapped by his inability to say no to his wife. Somehow he could not bring himself to stand up to her refusal and make any kind of demand. I am sure he calls that love, but love is doing what people need not just what they want. The danger is that he will be one more of the long list of caregivers that die before the one they are caring for. If he does, his wife is left with no one. Killing ourselves with care is neither smart nor loving. Taking care of ourselves is the best way to insure the long term care of our mates.
Luckily his family is preparing to step in. His children are gathering to have a family meeting about what is needed now, what will most likely be needed in the future, how the decisions will be made and paid for, and what kind of conditions should put the plans in motion. A family meeting ahead of need is the smartest and most caring thing a family can do for aging loved ones. It is the best way I know of to avoid being trapped.