The following is a comment posted after one of our blogs. I wanted to respond here in order to have more space to write and because I felt like her letter would resonate with many others facing similar experiences. She wrote;

At age 89 we moved my mother in with us and she has been here for the last 6 years. I work as an RN full time and her health has declined enough that I felt it was time for her to be in assisted living and my out of state brothers were supportive in that. 1 month ago we moved here to a lovely family owned assisted living facility 2 miles from us. She knew many of the residents there and I anticipated it to be a positive thing. My mother has been unhappy about every aspect and seems to be making no effort to adapt. She has always been a negative person although people who know her think she is a very sweet church lady. I have no doubts that the move was a good thing for us. Life at home has been much more freeing...I did not realize what a burden we were under having her here. The main question I have is how to deal with her constant complaining. She is trying to bargain with me my kids friends to rescue her out of there. At age 95 she is pretty sharp mentally but her hearing and vision are going. She is ambulatory but at out house she had some visual hallucinations 3 times I was aware of so I know mentally she isn’t safe to live alone in an apartment. Any suggestions. I am becoming the bad guy who is torturing her mother in some peoples eyes. I visit her weekly and call every 2 to 3 days but its hard to carry on a conversation when all she wants to do is complain. Thank you

MY RESPONSE

I could explain how normal this kind of reaction is but I am sure you could care less whether or not you are normal. I have some comments to make with the hope that some of them will resonate with you and your situation. I do hope you will make further comments. I want us to keep talking until something gives relief and your writing helps others as well. May I make a list of things to consider?

1. I think it is wise to do some checking to see just how miserable your loved one is. I cannot tell the number of times I have dealt with families whose loved one had convinced them that they were totally miserable in the facility. That they had no friends and spend all day sitting in their rooms alone. When the family investigated the situation they found out their loved one was the life of the party until they arrived and it was time to put on the poor pitiful pearl look. It is a good idea to ask the staff how things are when you are not around. It is also a good idea to show up at odd times unannounced. That is sneaky of course, but us old folks are sneaky as well. It comes with age.

2. There is grief in displacement. Quite often a loved one enters a facility willingly only to become very unhappy a few weeks later. Their world has been upset. Their routines have been altered. Usually, their social life is gone or it will be gone. These kinds of losses begin to hit and they have no place to go with the feelings the losses generate. They may not even recognize what they are feeling but find themselves lashing out at the facility, the family, and anyone else they can find. 

My mother laid guilt on me every time I went to see her in the nursing home. She did not jump on me, but made me feel like a heel by pointing out every little flaw in the facility and the care. I left every visit wondering what kind of son would put his mother in such a place. Then I made a discovery about what was really happening.

Mother would make a comment and I would respond with “NOW MOTHER YOU KNOW...” Nothing good can come after that statement. It means I am about to explain it to you once again and in the process I am going to trivialize your grief and loss. “Now mother you know this it the best facility in the area.” “Now mother you know you need this kind of care.” I “mother you knowed her until it is a wonder she would ever speak to me again.

One day, instead of my usual response, I sat beside her and said, “Mom, you are angry about having to be here aren’t you? I want you to know it is all right to be angry. If I have to live in a place like this I am going to be angry. And it is all right to tell me you are angry. Explode if you need to. I will understand.”

She said, “Yes I guess I am and I should be bigger than that. Every time you come I swear I am not going to unload on you and then I can’t seem to help myself and I feel ashamed.”

From that day on I gave her the gift of anger. I became a safe place for her to vent. I could not fix it nor would I try to explain it ever again. I simply listened and said, “that must really hurt and I am sorry.” There is magic in being understood. Give it a try and let me know.