Strange title based on the fact that lost socks are one of the problems nursing home administers hear about. It may not be just socks, it can be other items of clothing or things gone missing from rooms. It seems like every care facility has at least one resident whose dementia causes them to pick up shinny things in other people’s rooms.

The truth is the socks cannot be the problem. We all loose socks, at least we all loose one sock. I think the sock manufacturers make one of the socks water soluble and they melt. A lost sock is not a new thing nor is it a big enough thing to make such a fuss over. So why are so many families fussing over socks? They do so because they are angry about a lot of things and the lost socks are a tangible thing that happens to be handy at the time.

The real issue is not having lines of communication to deal with our disappointments, fears, and misunderstandings. Or, if the lines are there, our failure to use them on a regular basis.

Anger has a set pattern and keeping it in proper control demands some attention. Anger begins with disappointment. We rarely get angry without first being disappointed in some way. Anger grows in silence. We say nothing while seething inside. Anger intensifies in isolation. Anger grows until someone is sorry. If it is not handled, anger finally explodes in confrontation.

In a care setting the progress toward a blow up seems to work that pattern very well. It starts with disappointment. When it comes to the care of a loved one there will always be areas that disappoint us. No facility gives care the way we would or the way we have been doing it prior to the loved one becoming a resident. We were taking care of one person, the facility is taking care of bunches. There is no way they can give the attention we want, so disappointment is almost a given. A lot of our disappointment comes from not having a clear understanding about what services are going to be given. We make assumptions about care and the facility makes assumptions about what we understand so we start out on a collision course.

Often we don’t want to be known as a “problem family” so we do not say anything at first and do not clarify what care is suppose to happen. Thus begins our slow path toward real anger. After a time we begin registering some complaints to the staff. Too often we complain to the staff who have no power to make any changes or who are not the ones creating the problem and, instead of hearing an apology, we hear that it is not their fault. So the seething sets in and we get more and more angry. By that time we are a bomb just waiting for a fuse of some kind. Then someone losses a sock in the wash and we find ourselves ranting and raging over a sock.

That dramatization does not fit everyone of course but it does point out some very important steps we should make when a loved one becomes a resident in a facility. 

Step One: Be sure you fully understand what you are paying for and what kinds of care you can expect. One of my favorite sayings which is often repeated in these post is “The only way to avoid misunderstanding it to have an understanding.”

Step Two: Be realistic. They are giving care to several people with differing needs from special diets to almost constant monitoring. There will be times when your loved one’s call button will not be answered as fast as you or the loved one wishes. That should not be a regular thing, but it will happen. There will be times when the place will smell bad. There are sick people there. There are incontinent people there. It should not smell bad on a regular basis, but I guarantee it will do so on occasion.

Step Three: Clear the air. Don’t let things build up until your anger makes being rational impossible. If there is a problem, deal with it calmly while you can still be calm.

Stop Four: Clear the air with the right people. The housekeepers are not there to solve problems nor is it their job to register your complaint with those who can do something about the problem. If there is a medical issue explain it to the head nurse. If it is a care issue there are people in the administration office that are in a position to meet the needs you express.

Step Five. Protect the loved one. If there can be no solution, feel free to change facilities but try to do so with as little stress as possible on your loved one. Too often we explode in their presence long before we ever start trying to clear the air anywhere else. The transition to this kind of living is hard enough on them without it becoming some kind of war they must experience. These transitions are difficult at best. The more we can keep the air clear and solve our problems without a tirade about lost socks the better the outcome will be and the better the care will be as well. Happy residents seem to get more attention and loving care than those at war with the world. 

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Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.