He rails at his son every time they are together. Too busy fussing about how seldom he comes to visit to enjoy the visits that do happen.
He notices every flaw in his son’s business or personal life. He thinks most of his business decisions are bad, and gets mad because he is not consulted or included in the process.
His wife died a few months ago and everything got worse. He has a set way of memorializing his wife and honoring her gravesite, and cannot understand why his son doesn’t do it the exact same way.
His son is all he has in the way of family and he is so judgmental of others that he has very few friends. Now he is in grave danger of losing his son as well.
It all broke loose in a terrible cussing because the son had failed to call over the period of a few days. The son should have called, but this is a very busy and trying time for him as well. The holiday season is here, he has family concerns of his own, and the economic slowdown has impacted his income. He is scared and in need of support for himself. Then comes a cussing he knew was coming, they have been coming all of his life. This time he just walked away and I really don’t know whether they will fight to the finish or finish the fight.
None of us want to end up in that kind of struggle with our family and especially our children, and yet to some degree their relationship is typical of so many of the families I have dealt with over the years. Most were not that bad, but I have seen some that were worse. I think it behooves all of us to stop and look at the causes of this sort of thing. We need to ask ourselves some tough questions, and be brave enough to give ourselves some honest answers.
QUESTION 1: Do you want to keep your kids?
That is not an automatic thing. We actually can lose them as far as respect, love and relationships are concerned. We cannot bitch someone into loving us. We cannot win their respect by constantly pointing our their faults. Who wants reluctant love that is given simply to avoid a scene or because of fear?
QUESTION 2: How pleasant are you to be around?
Some kids don’t come or call because they are selfish and do not care. Some do not do so because it is such an unpleasant experience and they dread doing so. I wonder why so many of us get so negative as we age. I worry about that more than I can tell, I don’t want to become a negative, gripey old man who sees the worst in everything and everybody. I have a feeling that we either fight the tendency or sit back and let it happen.
QUESTION 3: Are you willing to quit?
The hardest thing about being a parent is knowing how to quit being one. There comes a time when our parenting is over. When that time comes we need to stop, and hush. The best thing I ever did for my kids was tell them, on the day they finished high school, that I was through being parent. They were to live their lives as they saw fit and if I didn’t like how they did it, I would learn to shut up and sit down. If we do not build a relationship with our children that is adult to adult, we will lose them. As they become adults, our efforts become more and more maddening and they become more and more uncomfortable being around us.
The man in the story is not a real person. He is a combination of several men and the situation is also combined from several families, but the bottom line in each case is, a parent who could not turn loose and allow their children to be free. They parented until the only way their children could exist in peace was to do so away from the parent. These are fights we cannot win, we need to look inward and then take steps to finish the struggle.
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