I cannot begin to tell how many times I have seen families struggle with whether or not to allow terminally ill loved ones know they are dying. Far too often they fear that if the loved one knows they will just give up and die sooner. I remember three daughters standing outside of the hospital room while I talked with their father. He had sent for me and asked that we be allowed to talk in private. The daughters caught me on the way in and begged me not to tell him that he was dying. They just knew that if he discovered his condition,  he would give up and die on the spot. The first words he said to me were, “I am dying and I want you to get my girls to allow me to go to hospice. They just can’t seem to face the reality and I need to have the chance for honest conversation with them.” They met me at the door with, “You didn’t tell him did you?” I said, “No he told me.” 

Most of the time people know when they are dying. There are too many clues. They hear the whispers in the halls. They read the body language. They read their own bodies. Most of the time they want to talk about it in open honesty. Dying without having the chance to talk is lonely. Dying without having the chance to talk leaves far too many unfinished agendas. Dying without having the chance to talk robs those who remain from the healing experiences that will prove to be of great help after the loved one dies.

I received a wonderful email that says all of that much better than I ever could. The gentleman who sent the email graciously gave me permission to use his words with the hope that they might prove helpful to others who are facing the end of a loved ones life:

It's coming up for a year now since my dear June passed away and I wanted to thank you for the your books that the funeral home have sent me; they have been of tremendous help to me as I have adjusted to my new life without her. I'd like to share some thoughts with you as to my journey.

The greatest gift June gave to me when we finally recognized that she would not recover from cancer, was that we spent some six months going through our grief journey together before she died. Her grieving was for the life she would not have; her life with me, our children, grandchildren and friends. My grieving was for the coming loss of my soul mate, my lover and my best friend and this is where the wonderful gift comes in. She helped me deal with the pain and went to great lengths to prepare me for life without her. Sometimes I was very angry with her; how dare someone who was leaving me tell me what I should be doing without her! "David, David, David", she would say with a laugh, "just listen to what I'm saying. I want you to be happy and to live: don't forget me, but the best way you can remember me is to live life to the fullest." She also told me that I was to love again, that a life without love was only half a life.

I cannot imagine a more selfless gift than the one June gave to me of preparing for life after her. Of course I still grieve for her and the books have been a great help. However, much of the real pain and anger was dealt with before she died and with her help and love. There are still bad days but my life is a full one and I look back now at the happy memories and derive great joy from them.

Why am I telling you, someone I've never met, about this wonderful gift? In the hope that it may help you to help others who are facing what we went through. I know I was of comfort to June as she grieved for her lost life and the help she was to me was without bounds. Christmas will be tough this year - June died on Boxing Day - but it will also be filled with the joyful memory of her great gift, the best Christmas present I've ever been given.

God bless and a very Happy Christmas to you.

__________

Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.