They may never share it or show it, but I don’t think anyone becomes a resident in a care facility without experiencing some grief. That is not a slam at care facilities. That is just the recognition that any life transition involves loosing some valuable things in our lives. A move to a new and much better home a block away still leaves us missing something about the old home.

A large percentage of care facility decisions are brought on as an aftermath of a death. A husband or wife dies and the surviving spouse can not function alone. So they must add the grief of leaving home, social life, most of their possessions, church life, and life style to the devastating grief of losing a mate. These losses are real and need to be grieved.

Too often, people my age don’t feel free to grieve openly. We were raised thinking that “Keeping a stiff upper lip” meant we were doing well with our grief. Those who did so were thought well of and those who did not were seen as weak or without faith. This means those who are facing long term care now most probably don’t know how to handle the grief caused by the decision. 

Some will simply smile and seem to accept the decision with very little complaint or fuss. Sometimes that is the result of where they are in their grief journey. Grief has a shock phase when nothing is real and emotions are numb. I have seen quite a few people start their stay in a facility with no resistance and a few months later become a problem for both the family and the staff. The numb wore off and it is time for the reactions and anger of grief to be released. Most of the time they will not know what is causing these feelings inside of them to be so reactive and usually will not know how to verbalize what they feel, so they begin telling the world how much they dislike the facility, how miserable they are, and how the family has turned their backs on them by putting them in such a place. 

Others go in kicking and screaming from day one. They may not know what they are kicking and screaming about, but they tell the whole world none the less.

Not all unhappiness or unhappy people are in grief so working to help folks walk through their grief is not a cure all for every care facility problem. Some are unhappy because the care is not good. Others are disappointed because it does not live up to their expectations. Many others because they now find themselves living with all of “those old people” while not realizing they are one also. But many times some simple steps to help loved ones face their grief can do wonders.

The most important thing we can do is make it safe for them to talk about their loss. We can open the door for this by simply talking about how we feel and are reacting to the loss. If the decisions has not been brought on by a death but by loss of health, we can simply say that we know this hurts and encourage them to talk about how they feel. Releasing feelings is the most powerful healer I know. The best thing to do with grief is grieve, we need to make them feel free to do so openly without fear.

Too often we hesitate to talk for fear that talking will make them feel worse. A man told me his father had been forced to sell his farm because of failing health, and had moved near the son which was several states away. The father was born on that farm and so was his father before him. The son said, “He keeps wanting to talk about the farm and I change the subject. I am afraid his talking about it will make him miss it even more. From what you have said, it sounds like you think I should let him talk about the farm.”  I told him I would get on both knees and beg him to let his father talk about that farm. Talking about it is the only way he will ever get past the loss.  

I hear story after story of folks who are unhappy in some care facility and are making everyone else miserable as well. Every story makes me wonder if they are simply in grief and do not know how or cannot find a way to express their feelings in a way that heals, so they just sit and stew waiting for someone to simply listen. 

__________

Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.