I do as little instant analysis as possible. I learned a long time ago that when someone tells me the whole story, I know exactly one half of a whole story. There is always another side. I broke my own rule last week and did so on the telephone. A young woman was referred to me for help with her grandmother who was showing signs of depression and a great deal of withdrawal from the family. The granddaughter and the parents were beside themselves with concern and were, as they said, at their wits end.

The granddaughter indicated there had been some major conflict over the grandmother’s stubbornness. She refused to go to the doctor the family had researched and picked out. She refused to even consider any change in her living arrangements and almost threw them out of her house over whether or not she should drive her car. In a scant few moments, I was treated to a soap opera’s script about a family in conflict with an aging parent. Now the grandmother seems to be so depressed they fear she might try suicide. They were seeking help. 

One question told me enough to break my rule about instant analysis. I asked if the grandmother was willing to visit with me or if she even knew that was being considered. The answers were no, and I will bet my hat I know the cause of most of the conflict. They are making far too many decisions FOR her and far too few WITH her. 

Aging is a gradual loss of self control. We feel it slipping away, first little things we now need help doing suddenly begin to be done for us sometimes without our being consulted. Should that make us angry? Not when we are in our fifties, but as we age and feel the loss of control, even little things like that are noted. We are in a fight to maintain some control of our living and everything seems to be a slippery slope away from independence. 

With the best of intentions a family can begin talking to each other about the aging loved one and gradually forget to talk to the loved one. The loved one begins to realize they are being taken places instead of helping organize places to go. Most of us “old folks” don’t mind going to doctors. I think most of us collect them and enjoy going so we have something to talk about as senior citizens. But we want to go to a doctor we had some part in choosing.

I am convinced that a great deal of the unhappiness in care facilities has very little to do with the facility or the care. Often it is not where the loved one lives, it is who decided where the loved one lived. 

Families need to recognize our struggle for control and our fear of losing independence and keep us in the loop in every way possible. I made it a rule with my mother that I would not take over her life. I vowed to never do anything for her she could do for herself and, if I was going to do something for her, I would make every effort to include her in the process. One day she asked me if I would go get her car tags. I said, “No,  but I will take you to get them.” She was pleased and we went together. She did not get out of the car, I went in and got the tags, but she was involved and still had some control of the situation.

A family called and asked if I would call on their mother who was in a nursing center here in my city. They said she seemed to be very unhappy with almost everything about her life and they were worried. I made the call and, after a long enough time for her to feel like she could trust me she told me what was bothering her. 

She said, “My son-in-law takes care of my finances and I am glad that he does so. He is wonderful to me and I trust him totally. But, I get one small check each month from some kind of annuity. It doesn’t amount to much money, but I would like to cash that check and keep the money here for my own use. I don’t know how to do that without hurting my son-in-laws feelings and making him think I don’t trust him and I don’t know how my family will feel about me handling any money”. 

I said, “When we get to be our age, we need every scrap of independence we can find. Keep the check and tell your son-in-law you want some mad money. If he doesn’t understand and the family doesn’t like it, tough.”

The family contacted me later and said, “We don’t know what you did, but she is a new woman.” That opened the door for another of my long and boring lectures on not taking over the lives of aging loved ones. We need every scrap of independence we can get.

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