I am old enough to remember when having someone cremated instead of buried was looked upon as odd indeed, at least that was so in North America. In some other countries cremation has always been a part of the culture. 

It was considered so odd and somehow unchristian enough in my family that one of my aunts refused to attend the funeral for her own son because his wife was having him cremated. I had to listen to that scandal be hashed and rehashed for years. It was almost like the guy could not get into heaven after such a thing was done to his body.

Now cremation is becoming more and more accepted and no longer looked upon as an act that means the family did not love the person who died enough to have a “decent burial.” Believe it or not, that is how we used to view those who chose cremation. Now it is a simple choice of preference with no other implications. 

In spite of the new attitudes, I am often asked for my opinion about the choice. Families who have not given much thought to the subject suddenly face it when dealing with the end of life decisions of long term care. Does it matter which one is chosen? That is one of those questions with a yes and no answer.

Speaking from the standpoint of what helps the grieving family there are a couple of things that I think are important for a family when they lose a loved one. As long as these are accomplished then I don’t think the choice of the final disposition of the body matters. Both can be accomplished with either choice, but doing so with cremation is more complicated.

First, I think it is important that the family view the body. I know all of the arguments about this being morbid and plastic, but from the standpoint of someone who has walked with folks in grief for over thirty years, I think it matters. Viewing is tough, but it is the beginning of reality and helps avoid denial. The first thing I ask a new family who come to me for help with their grieving is, “Did you view the body.” If they say no, then I know they have started into their grieving process closed off from reality and my work will be harder. Viewing a less than perfect body is even harder, but when a family is denied the chance to do so they are left with imaginations that make the scene much worse than it actually is. I have run into far more nightmares from imaginations that have run wild than I have from someone seeing a body that has been damaged. There are times of course when viewing is impossible, but if there is any way for the family to view they should be given the choice.

Viewing is still possible when cremation is the choice. The body can be prepared and viewed by the family for very little added expense and without having any impact on the cremation.

Second, I think there needs to be a place where the loved one is honored and remembered. It sounds romantic to spread the ashes on some mountain or throw them from an airplane, but I tell families not to spread or throw all of them. Keep some to be honored in a place of remembrance of some kind. Grieving people need a place to connect. Future generations need a place to honor and remember. 

When Hitler decided to destroy the Polish Jews he destroyed their cemeteries. He knew that destroying a people demanded that he destroy their past. After the war the Jews who remain there rebuilt the cemeteries with great care. The cemeteries mattered that much. I think they still do. 

Having a place can be accomplished with cremation. It is a simple thing to divide the remains and scatter some, while placing the rest in some safe place of honor.

To me, the two issues are far more important than the methods we chose. Helping the family deal with their grief and honor the loved one are the paramount considerations and they can be accomplished with either decision.

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