A PERSONAL NOTE

I AM LONELY. Writing a blog is like singing a solo on a mountain in a high wind. It feels like I am throwing ideas out into space and perhaps answering questions no one is asking. Just providing a place for comments is not being very effective. Not very many people are taking advantage of the chance to share and make comments. For that reason I have set up a special email address so anyone who wants to ask questions or share issues can do so with ease. This is a dedicated address that will only be available to readers of this blog. I may not be able to answer each one, but the questions and ideas will feed the blogs. The email address is doug977@gmail.com give it a try.

PREPARING TO BE CARED FOR

Most of the time these blogs are aimed at families who are trying to either prepare for the care of one of us aging parents or who are trying to live through the process of caring for one of us aging parents. We don’t spend much time on the other side of the fence asking ourselves what we need to do to get ready to be the one receiving the care. The honest truth is we are the key to our last days being relatively happy or a miserable experience for everyone involved. If we sulk up and react with anger and resentment, then no one will be happy and no choice will be right. I have walked with far too many families as they tried to deal with anger, resentment, dissatisfaction, guilt and fear. I don’t want that to happen to my family or to me. In the hopes of avoiding as much displeasure as I can I have made a list of steps and attitudes I want to work on. Maybe my list can help someone else get ready to be cared for.

LET THE KIDS INTO THE SECRET CHAMBERS

I understand the reluctance to let the kids know all about your business. I understand the fear that if they know how much money you have they might find ways to spend every penny or at least be bugging you for loans and grants (in families these are synonyms). I also recognize that opening up the secret chambers of your life feels like you are losing control and independence. But, the family needs to know what financial arrangements are there and what will be needed. Flying blind into the future can lead to some real disasters indeed.

I am walking with a family right now whose father is in his late eighties. He has been a successful businessman and the family assumes he is at least moderately well off, but they really don’t know. Now they are approaching long term care decisions and have no idea what he can afford. None of them feel comfortable asking him financial questions. He has always played that close to his vest. His wife died first or she would have been one of those widows who has never even written a check much less known what their financial conditions were. Now they have no idea what to look for in care. 

As this time approaches, the money becomes a much larger issue between the siblings. The father recently paid for a rather expensive item for one of the grandchildren. The rest of the family would never have noticed that just a few years ago. Now they notice. Can he afford such expenditures? They don’t know. Will he also give to the other grandchildren in like amount or can he do so? They don’t know.

I don’t want that happening in my family so I make every effort to show my daughters what I am worth and where to find it.

STOP PARENTING

I am like a broken record in this area, but there comes a time when we need to stop being parents and build an adult to adult relationship with our children. Any parenting we do at this age can only lead to frustration and anger. The hardest part of being a parent is knowing how to stop being one, but this becomes the crucial issue as we and our children age. They need to be independent and we need to butt out of their lives. If we don’t both sides will be miserable. They will be miserable because we are still trying to run their lives and cannot do so. We will be miserable because we are still trying to run their lives and cannot do so.

RECOGNIZE THE CHOICE IS MINE

Let’s say I live long enough, and God forbid, I must spend my last days in some care facility. Whether my family looks forward to visiting me there or dreads it and comes out of duty or guilt depends almost entirely on me and my attitude. If I spend all of the visitation time griping about my situation, or complaining about how long it has been between visits, or trying to straighten them out in some way, the visits will be drudgery for them and will grow more and more rare and more and more brief. That is up to me. I do not know how some folks do it, but I have known some who were a delight to visit. I am looking for that secret and vowing to find it. Who wants love or visits based on guilt? Not this old man.

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