One of the ten commandments promises a long life to those who honor their parents. I don't know whether that means we will live longer if we give care to them in their old age or if it will just seem longer. The truth is, we can get so caught up in the negative side of care giving, the cost, the burden, the family conflicts, the guilt, etc. that we rarely if ever hear or read anything about the positive side of the experience.

The chances of having a positive experience are greatly enhanced if the family makes proper preparation for the care. It is hard to be positive while arguing with a parent over the arrangements or fighting with the rest of the family over money. The major thrust of these blogs is to urge families to have meetings ahead of need so these issues can be worked through in a more relaxed and less pressure packed atmosphere than the usual twenty-four hour decision time when we are forced to face that which we have carefully avoided for years.

It does not always happen of course, but long term care can be a wonderful time of drawing closer to a parent. I have heard many wonderful stories about relationships, that at best were distant, becoming closer and some even being healed as the parent and child talked through the caring experience. I have seen spouses talk longer and deeper than they have since early marriage, and seen men give tenderness they did not know was in them. I wish I could promise that to everyone who is called upon to care. It can be such a wonderful time. 

I think I had such a time with my Father, Mother, and my Mother-In-Law. It was not perfect, of course, and I don't want to glamorize the experience at all. Most of the talks with my father and my mother-in-law were about their care and the next visit to the doctor, but in between we could talk about our lives, our values, and our memories.

My mother was not as ill as they were so we had a few years of open conversations about life its own self. We went through the death of my father and my brother together and the falls that broke an arm and then a pelvis. The rehabilitation meant we walked the halls together night after night. The growing closeness made the giving of care feel like a natural thing instead of a burden. 

Long term care can also be a time of learning. I cannot count the times I still think of some question I want to ask one of the parents. I did not find out as much about the family as I now wish I had. I have no idea how many wonderful family stories I missed and how many I have heard and forgotten. If a loved one is in a care facility, one of the hardest things for the family to do, is figure out what to say when they come for a visit. Many find this so hard they dread going and often avoid going very much at all. One of the things we recommend is for families to have a project they do with the loved one. 

They have a hard time knowing what to say to us as well. There is not much news happening in the home and most of what is news is not good news. We must be their link to the outside world but it is hard to think up things to say. Conversations that just come up naturally while you are doing something else are much easier and can lead to very intimate things as a natural result. Some of the projects I have seen work are: 

Make a collection of recipes. After they are gone, you will wish you knew how they made that special cake. Collect them while you can. 

One family made a rather large monthly calendar. It featured pictures of all of the family members having birthdays that month. It had room for every visitor to sign in each time they came. This helped when the mother kept declaring that no one ever came to see her.

And a good sense of humor is a necessity. Someday I will write an entire blog about all of the delightful stuff my two aunts pulled while taking care of my Grandfather who was hard of hearing, hard of head, and lived to be 98. They talked about the joy of his care for the rest of their lives. It can be positive. Hope your is. If so, please share your story.

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