It is always a thrill when someone responds to one of my bogs. My hope for the site is that it will become a forum for people to share their experiences and ideas. If something works for you, the rest of the world needs to hear about it. If you have a problem you cannot solve, maybe someone reading the bogs has an idea that might work. 

I was pleased to have this comment added to a recent blog and thought we all might try to figure out how to answer his question or rather his plea for help. As you can see he is really trying to figure out what to do next.

Doug,

The story of your father mimics the story of my dad to the tee! We have moved him twice since we moved him from his home of 78 years to Boise. We moved him again last week in hopes that he would be happier at this new assisted living facility. It is filled with people his own age and they have tons of activities. It backs up onto a golf course where he can sit outside and watch them playing. It keeps getting more expensive and though I go to visit him every day and try to encourage him to participate, he continues to hibernate in his room and lay in bed and watch TV. He seems so unhappy and grumpier than ever. We finally got his home sold and every time we bring him his personal things, he gives them away. Any suggestions

My first reaction is that your father is showing signs of depression and those should be taken seriously. A visit with his doctor about his activities or lack thereof and his giving things away would probably be a good idea. Quite often people who are contemplating suicide give their possessions away. I am not saying that to scare you but to merely say it would be worth looking into.

My second reaction is to be sure what is going on when you are not there. I have seen it happen quite often that the parent is moping in the room and miserable when the family comes but is being the life of the party the rest of the time. They use their misery to punish the family for their having to move from their homes. Ask the staff, especially the cleaning staff, what your father is like when no one from the family is around. You might find a totally different picture of his activities and moods. 

My third response is for you to stop trying to talk him into participating. It is evident that he is not going to listen to your arguments nor act on them even if they make sense. Drop the subject for a while and see if anything changes. It almost seems like the two of you are playing some kind of game of you pleading and his ignoring, Try talking about something else. 

You are his connection to the outside world and he needs you to be that more than he needs you being his parent and telling him what to do. Talk about current events. Talk about the family. Talk about his past and learn as many of the stories of his life as possible. Those stories become more precious with time.

One last reaction would be an honest confrontation. My mother laid a guilt trip on me every time I visited her. She did not want to jump on me so she made me feel guilty by criticizing the nursing home. Every time she did, I would end up arguing and trivializing her complaints. One day I pulled my chair up to hers and said, “Mom, you are angry about being in here aren’t you.” She said, “Yes, and I am so ashamed of myself. I should be bigger than that and I tell myself I am not going to do that anymore, but somehow I don’t seem to be able to help myself. You walk in and I start.” 

I said “mom it is all right to be angry. If I have to come here and live, I am going to be angry. And it is all right to tell me you are angry. I can understand and handle your anger.” From that day until she died, I gave her the gift of anger. Maybe your father needs that same gift.

Now those are my responses. I hope some of them fit. Now if those who read this will add their input and experiences we can all learn together.

I hope the person who wrote the comments will keep in touch and let us know if any of our ideas worked.

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Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you.