I do not tell mother-in-law jokes. I had a wonderful one so none of the jokes resonate with me. She was a short lady with a great sense of humor and a magnificent laugh. One of her favorite statements was "Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law." We got along very well. My children adored her. She was a rock hound and they still talk about the rock hunting excursions she took them on at almost every visit. Needless to say, when her heath broke, there was no question but that she would move into our home. We welcomed her with open arms. I was the one who drove to her home to talk to her about the decision and make the arrangements. She recognized the need and accepted the necessity with some regret, of course, but little or no complaint. 

I thought it was the perfect solution. She had intended to move into a retirement center in our city, but delayed the process until her health no longer allowed her to live there. We never considered her going to a nursing home for care. I had long promised that none of my loved ones would ever become a resident of a care facility. I thought it much better that they move into our home when such care was needed. Both sets of parents seemed to like that solution. Their concept of a nursing home was one step beyond the old county poor farms when people were warehoused to await death. In my mind, I was offering the perfect solution. Two weeks proved me wrong.

We did not face any problems caused by personality conflicts at all. We were all very loving and compatible in every way. The problems came from sources we never thought about and could not help. Some were logistical. We did not have a bathroom that would accommodate a wheel chair for example. That does not sound major, but my mother-in-law had rather die than for me to take her to the bathroom. My wife has had arthritis for many years and could not begin to lift her mother so we faced a real privacy and dignity issue as we realized she was not many days away from confinement to a wheel chair.

Looking back on the experience. I really think the major issue and the one she recognized long before it dawned on me, was the issue of socialization. She had been one of the most social people I have ever known. She knew everyone in the small town where she lived. She had taught school long enough to teach grandchildren of former students, played the organ at church for many years, was in every organization in town, gave programs on her polished rocks at every club in the area, and took a ham to the home of every family who suffered a death. 

Then she woke up in a strange town where she did not know a soul, many miles from her home and church, and both my wife and I worked outside of the home every day. She was in our home, but almost totally alone. A couple of weeks and she caught me one day and said, "This isn't going to work." I agreed, but her health led to hospitalization, surgery, and bed ridden in a nursing home until she died. I wish I had recognized the importance of socialization and could have done more to get her to the facility when she was still able to make friends and build a social life. 

It is easy to think that living in our homes is automatically better than any care facility, but that does not take into account the importance and value of a social life. As this is written, I am watching some friends move a father into one of their homes. He started talking about moving to an assisted living center, and the family could not stand the thought of his doing so. They are disposing of his household, and moving him in with his daughter. Of course they feel better about this decision but I fear it dooms him to a rather lonely existence. No one his own age to talk with or argue politics with. No new friends to explore. No chance to possibly meet a new companion to share a few years with. And then, when his health breaks and he needs more care than the family can provide and a nursing facility becomes a necessity, he is in a strange and lonely world indeed and does not know anyone.

I am not saying we should never move a loved one into our homes nor am I saying a retirement or assisted living center is always the better answer. All I am saying is, the need for socialization is very important and should be one of the major considerations in any decision we make. 

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