Both of my in-laws died at age seventy-eight. That was over thirty years ago and, at the time, I thought both of them were elderly. They did not seem to be as old as I thought people that age were when I was younger, but they certainly qualified as senior citizens, golden agers, or whatever cutesy name is in vogue now. 

I m now seventy-seven. One year away from the age they were when they died. Am I that old? Do my children see me as that old? If so, then my grandchildren must see me as decrypted beyond measure. 

No one knows how old they are. Everyone thinks they are at least twenty years younger than the calendar says they are. I really think I am about fifty-five but a "young" fifty-five at best. We don't know because we think everything is the same. The changes are so gradual we don't notice until something forces us to do so. 

Then, the day comes, when our health breaks and we are suddenly old. We have no idea how it happened so fast. For some it is like, "I was playing touch football seems like three months ago, and now I can't even walk to the mail box. What happened?" 

Is it any wonder then, why so many of our parents can't see the need to downsize their living or consider a retirement center, or be agreeable to even talk about such things. No one thinks they are that old. No one thinks they are "there yet."

Even after our health breaks, we can still tell ourselves we are just having a bad day and we will get better soon. We have spent a lifetime learning how to avoid facing things we don't want to face and we aren't about to give that up without a fight.

This makes the transitions of care a much more difficult and often more tension or anger filled experience. No matter what evidence is presented, it is hard for us to believe we are there.

Understanding where us old folks are is the first step toward a more peaceful transition to care. Empathy goes a long way, Arguing never goes anywhere. Sitting with us and understanding how we feel and how hard it is for us to face, can relieve tensions and lead to peace. Sometimes all we want is to be understood.

Having this happen in a family gathering long before the actual need is there, can defuse the situation and at least get the talking started. Too often the need for care becomes an elephant in the room everyone tries to avoid seeing and the tension builds into war. Getting the talk started a few years ahead of need gives us time to face a reality we don't want to face, and hopefully, make peace with being old and not knowing it.

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