In other blogs we have talked about the difficulty we sometimes have in communicating with aging loved ones, especially our parents. As the roles change it somehow gets harder and harder to break through the barriers and actually talk about any issue more serious than the weather. Maybe that is why so many aged people seem so caught up in talking about the weather. I was always amazed at how many of the televisions in the retirement center where mother lived were tuned to a static channel that featured a constant weather map and a local radio station for noise. It may have been some kind of search for something to talk about.

The difficulty in communication means we must learn to read behind the words and subjects to discover what they really want to talk about and say. This is very prevalent when it comes to talking about their death and funeral. I have become convinced that most if not all people who are facing the end want to talk about their funeral but have no idea how to broach the subject so they give hints and clues.

The clue used most often seems to be an insistence that the funeral not be a very big deal. The Beetle Bailey cartoon had the General telling his wife that he did not want her to go to any trouble for his funeral and did not want any big deal done, he just wanted a long line of people waiting to get in. People, especially men say these kinds of things because they think they are suppose to, but they also do so in hopes of getting a response that will allow them to actually talk about their funeral.

My father started saying, "Don't go to any trouble or expense just put me in a cardboard box and throw me in ditch somewhere." I missed the clue for too long of a time, and then woke up one day realizing he really wanted to talk about his funeral. The next time he did the old box thing I said, "Dad, the funeral is my gift to you. I intend to honor you and your life whether you like it or not." From that moment on, his funeral was about all he wanted to talk about. I saw him every day and we talked through the whole funeral at every visit. We almost agonized over selecting the pall bearers. He was most interested in being buried in Oklahoma even though we lived in Texas at the time. It never became morbid in any way. It did not make him sad or depressed to talk about it at all. Matter of fact it seemed to cheer him up to think that we loved him enough to honor and celebrate his life. 

I write and talk a lot about walking with a guy named Bob through the last year of his battle with cancer.  He went through almost the identical pattern as my father. He insisting that the funeral not be any big deal. He was going to be cremated and his ashes scattered in front of a casino in Las Vegas. He did not want his family to go to any trouble or expense. He did not do the cardboard box gig, but you get the picture. One day I simply said that his family wanted to honor his life and needed to do so. I told him that I thought the funeral was a very important part of healthy grieving. The flood gates opened and Bob could talk of little else from that day on. We went over it in great detail at every visit. He even made me write it out so he could be sure each member of the family could read it. One day he pulled me close and said, "Now, Doug you know I hate organ music and my wife loves it. You must promise me you won't let her slip it into the service." She did anyway, and I will have a hard time explaining that to Bob when we meet again.

One day he said, "My wife wants me to be cremated. I have gone along with her because I did not want to be a burden or make trouble for my family, but you know, my friends will want to tell me goodbye." I said, "How about having your body prepared for viewing, having a special time for friends and family to do so, have you present at the funeral, and the cremation done after the funeral?" He was thrilled and amazed that this was possible. No one had ever told him that such an arrangement was available and simple to do. He was viewed by family and friends in a very meaningful and special evening event. His body was cremated and instead of being scattered in Las Vegas, almost all of his ashes were buried in what turned out to be a second funeral service that was as meaningful and healing as the first. They kept some of the ashes and will one day spread them in Las Vegas. 

All of this from two men who said one thing in hopes of saying something else. It is amazing what we discover and heal when we learn to listen between and behind the lines.