Care facilities are not designed to replace the family's role in the life of an aging loved one. They are not dumping grounds where we can leave the total care of a loved one to someone else. No one can ever take the place of the family and the care a family can offer. The best scenario is for a care facility to take over the day to day physical care that made a care decision necessary in the first place, and allow the family to concentrate on meeting the emotional and social needs of the loved one.

I remember meeting with a woman who was facing a nursing home decision for her husband who was in his forties but had been debilitated by disease for several years. The disease had progressed and the wife had come to the end of her ability to give care. It was such a traumatic decision for her that a hospice asked me if I would visit with her. During our time together, I mentioned that the nursing home would give the physical care and she could become a wife again. She burst into tears and told me that during a recent hospital stay, she had hugged her husband and that was the first time she had done so in several years. The care had dominated her time and energy until there was no time for anything else. Now she could have the time to be a wife. That is the care decision at its best. We can now share the care with someone else and give ourselves to that part of the care that matters the most and that cannot be done by anyone else.

IT IS A PARTNERSHIP IN CARE

We are forming a partnership in care, and the more we see it in that light the better the care, and we experience far less stress between ourselves and the care facility. There is certainly a need for us to watch how the facility does their side of the care. We dare not ignore neglect or mistreatment from the staff. We have a role in those areas and it is an important one, but too often, that becomes the only role the family is willing to play. Hiring someone to give the care and then sitting back and criticizing the way they do it does not produce good care or any kind of peaceful environment for us or our loved one. Recognizing how important our continuing involvement is, helps us focus on the overall well being of our loved one. If that picture is good, the other things don't seem to be as massive as before. What then is our role?

THE GREAT CONNECTOR

We are the connection between the loved one and the outside world. Living in a facility of any kind is living in some degree of isolation. The loved one has moved away from their social life, usually their church life if they had one, most of their friends, and the small world they had made for themselves like where they bought groceries, what cleaners they used, their doctor and dentist, the pharmacist that filled their prescriptions for many years. We can be the only connection they have to the world they loved.

Too often, we seem to be afraid to talk about the things they now have lost for fear it will make them sad and more unhappy about having lost them. In almost every case, just the opposite is true. Talking about the old places and people allows them to deal with the feelings of loss and lets them know that you understand their loss and are with them in the journey. It may bring a tear, but tears are a healthy part of the grieving process. 

Talking about the old times and places makes them feel like they are still connected and a part of that life. If they are able to leave the facility for a visit, maybe taking them by the old haunts would be a good idea and kick off a time for them to talk about how much they loved the old life, how much they miss it all, and even how hard it is to make the adjustment. That sounds like a horrible experience, but the alternative is for them to live in isolation and weep in silence. A major part of our continuing role is keeping them connected to the world they once knew. We will talk about other parts of our role in future blogs.