I started writing and speaking about caring for aging loved ones about thirty years ago. I have no idea how many speeches I have given nor how many people have heard my presentations. In almost every instance, I have opened the floor for questions, observations and stories. Most of what I know has come from listening to the stories and questions from these encounters.

I spoke last week to an audience of caregivers. Most of those in attendance were actually giving care or were facing that task in the near future. Even after all of these years and encounters, I am still surprised and even shocked by the stories that seem to almost explode from the audience. 

I AM SURPRISED BY THE PAIN. One would expect a great deal of pain to flow from an audience gathered to talk about grief, but for so much to explode at these sessions is a shock to the audience and still a surprise to me as well. Almost everyone who spoke had to fight back tears to do so. Many talked of the sadness of seeing a loved one slowly fade away and feeling helpless. Others spoke of the sadness of broken relationships between themselves and the one they were caring for. Some  spoke of the sheer exhaustion of care. 

I AM SURPRISED BY THE FAMILY STRIFE. Care giving is hard enough under the best of circumstances, yet I am always amazed at how many caregivers share stories of family conflicts in the middle of the care. They tell of fights over money, arguments over the decision of the kind of care to be given. Some being in favor of placement in a facility and others adamantly apposed to such a move. Care giving is such an emotionally wrenching experience that disagreements are almost inevitable. The intensity and anger involved continues to surprise me.

I AM SURPRISED BY LACK OF PLANNING. Care giving seems to slip up on us unawares and unprepared. It is a rare family indeed that looks ahead and talks with each other about how these decisions will be made or even who will make them. The doctor walks into the hospital room and says the loved one must leave the hospital and cannot take care of themselves at home and the family is suddenly overwhelmed by decisions and care. 

I AM SURPRISED BY HOW SELDOM THESE HURTS ARE HEARD. In almost every seminar I hear folks say that they have never had the chance to tell their story and had never expressed these feelings openly. People rarely ask the caregiver about what they are experiencing or how they are feeling. We talk about the loved one or the disease, but rarely even notice the burden of the caregiver. The seminar last week was sponsored by a hospital that cared enough to reach out to the folks they see almost living in the hospital and then going home to give full time care. It is rare indeed for a hospital to notice and take action. I would hope other hospitals would duplicate this kind of event. My dream is that churches would see the need within their own memberships. These are pains that must not be ignored. These are pains that can be greatly helped by being acknowledged and heard. My last surprise at these events is how much healing happens just by allowing someone the chance to vent and giving legitimacy to their pain. 

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