The title sounds like the primary caregiver should get paid. While that is not such a bad idea at all, this blog is not about that issue. Consideration for time and expense means we should not make the primary caregiver run a bed and breakfast for the rest of the family in addition to giving the care.

When an aging loved one becomes a resident of a care facility and their house is sold, the family member living the nearest will probably become the primary caregiver. Their home will suddenly become the place where the rest of the family stays while visiting the loved one. That is probably expected and often desired, but the family should take care not to make this arrangement a further burden in either time or expense.

In the year we spent being the caregivers to my mother-in-law, I do not think there was single week-end that we did not have some company to entertain. All of them were welcomed. We enjoyed each visit. In our case, it was not a financial burden to us, but experiencing that year made us realize how tiring the added company became. It made us long for at least one quiet week-end to ourselves. Our guest were not demanding and were more than willing to help but we, like most primary caregivers, seem to have a need to serve and care for people. The visitors were family, but to us they were still guest in the home. They might have offered to pay for the meals we ate in the restaurants, but I have a hard time allowing that when they are my guest. Our case was mild and the people who visited were welcomed, but there was a cost of time, energy, and money involved.

I have heard the other kind of stories as well. Family members that were not pleasant people one would welcome into their home on any regular basis. Families that pile in on the caregiver with children and pets expecting to be waited on hand and foot while they are there. Family members who have no idea that fish and company smell after three days, and overstay their welcome. Families that storm in and consume everything is sight with never a thought given to making a stop at the grocery store to replenish what they have depleted.

This is not rocket science. Good manners, and common sense would answer every issue, but since it is "family" we tend to overlook those details and use the visit as some kind of vacation so we can visit "Mom" and have a few days off.

Maybe just some simple suggestions can jar our sensibilities and make us more welcomed and less tiring visitors.

Always call well in advance of a visit. Find out, not only if the time you wish to come is convenient, but ask if the host has had adequate breaks between visitors. Communicating with the rest of the family to plan all of the visits that are going to happen with breaks in mind will do wonders for the scheduling.

No matter how much the caregiver protest and says, "it will be fine," a houseful at a time is not fine. I remember one particular week-end when we had bodies sleeping in every possible nook and cranny with wall to wall babies involved. We loved every single person there, but not all at once. At that time, my wife was in the hospital with her mother from seven to seven every day, and the hospital was fifty miles from our home. We told every one of them, "It will be fine," when they called.

"Just leave the beds we will be washing the sheets anyway. . . Don't worry about the dishes, we will take care of them later. . . No need for you to bother, I will go to the store on my way home." Those are called white lies good hostesses make and then regret. Ignore them and go wash the sheets.

Somebody could take the initiative concerning meals. If the caregiver must ask, "What would you like for dinner?" more than one time during the visit, somebody is adding to the burden instead of lifting their share of the load. Nothing sounds sweeter to a harried caregiver than, "We have decided to take you out for dinner." I take that back, "We went to the store this afternoon and dinner is on the table" is even better."We called and ordered Pizza to be delivered," will do in a pinch. 

No one wants to add to the burden of the caregiver. None of the things mentioned here are done on purpose. This is family visiting family and that is how the visits have always been. When someone becomes the primary caregiver to an elderly or ill loved one, everything must be different than it has always been, including how we visit and behave when we visit.

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