Families search for the nicest settings and best care possible when a loved one needs the care that can only be given in a care facility. The surroundings certainly matter and the importance of the care cannot be over emphasized. The best location and the best of care does not replace the need for contact with family and friends. Loneliness is one of the major downsides of life in a care facility. People find it very difficult to make themselves visit friends or even family in a care facility.

Part of this comes from the fear of facing our own mortality. It is almost impossible to walk into a facility without thinking that one day we might need this kind of care. It is made even harder by the fact that the residents there need as much time outside of their own rooms as possible so from the time a visitor walks in the front door all the way to a loved ones room, they must pass some very old and very sick people which most find to be unpleasant and no one knows what to say to each one they meet. Should we speak? Should we just look past them? What if they speak to us? How do we respond? What if they start talking and won't stop? The trip to the room can be a very scary obstacle course if we are not comfortable being around aging and or sick people.

Then when we arrive in the room, we run out of things to talk about in maybe three sentences. After we get past "How are you?" and the weather report the awkward silence sets in and we begin looking for a good excuse to exit. Is it any wonder then that most folks in nursing centers are lonely? Friends dread going so they put off going. They put off going until they feel guilty for it being so long since their last visit and now they dread trying to explain their absence. Many just quit. Even family members quit. In future blogs we will talk about why it is difficult to communicate with aging parents, but for now lets look at what we can do to make it easier for anyone to visit an aging loved one in a care facility.

HOW TO RUN THE OBSTACLE COURSE. I have found that if I will just stop and speak to everyone I meet along the way, they cease being scary. I soon notice that they brighten up when they see me coming and I begin seeing them as someone just like me who happened to get old and whose bodies are not working like they once did. I begin to discover some wonderful stories along the way. Some remarkable people who are lonely and want to talk. I can recognize the ones whose mental condition does not allow much more than a smile and a hello, and become comfortable just doing that. When I stop to actually see these folks, the obstacle course becomes a pleasant journey among some new friends.

MAKING THE ROOM COMMUNICATION FRIENDLY. A friend of mine's mother was a resident in a nursing home for the last months of her life. The mother had Alzheimer's so communication was limited and that made visiting her even harder. My friend made some large picture boards of the mother's life. I had seen these used in funerals but had never thought of using them while the loved one was alive. The boards worked wonders. The mother lost her short term memory long before she lost the long term. For several months she could talk about the older pictures on the board and enjoyed looking at them by the hour. Visitors to her room enjoyed the pictures and used them as conversation starters so they could talk beyond "how are you" and the weather.

That got me to thinking about all of the other things we could do to enhance conversation in a care facility. I am convinced that the difficulty in communication makes it hard or, in some cases impossible, for people to visit. That leaves us feeling guilty and the loved one sitting lonely waiting for someone to come for a visit.

Do you have any ideas to add to this? I hope we can begin a collection of things we can do to give joy to the loved one and make visiting something we look forward to instead of something we dread. Feel free to log on and share any ideas you have tried or have just thought of in the comments section below.