Her mother's life is slowly ebbing away. Alzheimer's has long ago taken the person her mother was and the slide has been long and slow. Hospice has been in charge for the last few weeks and have done a wonderful job of changing the care from trying to cure the mother to weaning her off of medications and keeping her free from pain.
The hospice has provided the family with materials to assure them that when a loved one can no longer take nourishment they gradually dehydrate and that is a normal and a peaceful way for death to come. Counselors have tried to answer questions and fears as they have been expressed.
With all of that done, one would expect the family to be prepared and at peace. They rarely ever are. No matter how much counseling nor how much reading nor how much preparation the family has received, they still stand with fear and trembling by her bedside wondering if they have done enough. Usually, the "Maybe Stage" sets in.
"Maybe she is just overmedicated and if we would take all the medicine away she might be her old normal self." The fact that Hospice has already taken most of the medication away does not seem to register. The fact that the mother has not been "Her old normal self" for several years slips by their minds without notice.
"Maybe she is trying to communicate with us" The mother has not shown any recognition of anyone for months. Long before that she could not remember where she was nor who was in the room.
When a family is facing the death of a loved one, logic has no power, explanations are just words floating in space, and well meaning and well placed guidance does not register. Basically they are just scared of what they are about to experience and want to delay it for as long as possible. They grasp at any straw, they cling to hopeless hopes. They do not want to face even the most evident of facts. And maybe they shouldn't face the truth.
Denial is not always bad. Sometimes it is our way of letting reality in slow enough to not overwhelm us. Our minds will protect us from going off the deep end for as long as possible. There really is no hurry. They don't have to face the cold facts head on. Reality will come in its own good time and, when it does, they will respond.
There are no absolutes when facing the death of a loved one. No one can really answer any of the "maybes" We just have to do the best we can and hope we have done the right thing. Arguments and explanations come across as rejection and not understanding. They already feel like they are doing everything wrong, so instructions as to how they should see the situation or how they should feel during the process only add to the insecurity and feelings of inadequacy.
They need someone to understand and simply respond with statements like, "It really is scary isn't it." Or "Letting go is the hardest thing we are ever called upon to do." Perhaps even. "There are no set and sure answers anyone can give. Facing the loss is always a fearful leap in the dark." Any statement that simply says, I cannot tell you how to feel or how to react, but I am here to walk with you no matter what lies ahead will be a wonderful support to anyone facing this great unknown.
Your questions and comments are more than welcomed.