When constant care became necessary for my grandfather, his two daughters moved into his house and nursed him for five years. They became the heroines of my family. We honored them as long as they lived and still refer to them in almost hushed tones. They gave so much. Looking back, I think they paid far too big of a price. Both of their husbands died within five years of my grandfather so five of the last ten years of their marriage were spent mostly in separate houses. Fortunately they lived close enough to at least see their husbands quite often.
I often reflect on that experience and realize, that happened fifty years ago. In most cases that would not be possible today. Society has become far more scattered now. In those days if there were six children in the family, five of them would still live in the general area. One would have escaped and the others would talk about the one that left as if they somehow betrayed the family. Today, all six are gone. Families have scattered all over the world.
That means there is no longer a core family unit close enough to give care to aging loved ones. Families are now trying to keep up with and furnish care for parents who live hundreds or even thousands of miles away. Decisions are being made by email and cell phone instead of face to face. USA Today did a lengthy study on what it cost industry in time, efficiency, and loss of workers as a result of families trying to give long distant care.
We end up making major decisions in the dark. It is almost impossible to really know the true condition of a loved one without being able to see them on a very regular basis in many different settings. When we go for a visit, they suck it up and put on a good front. They know better than to expose their true condition for fear the children will place them in "some home", as they often call it.
If one child happens to still live in the area, they become the primary care giver by default. There is no way they can refuse no matter what condition they happen to be in or what kind of burden they are carrying in their own lives. They get the job.
Even then the distance proves to be a problem. The rest of the family has a hard time really knowing the true condition of the parent even with a sibling nearby giving care. When they come to visit, the adrenaline in the parent kicks in and they seem ready to go square dancing. The visitors leave thinking the resident caregiver has exaggerated the true condition. As they are leaving the parent is crashing back to their normal condition. It is little wonder then that distant siblings have a hard time believing the parents need all the medication they are receiving and cannot understand why the local sibling thinks it is time for them to live in a care facility.
If there is no sibling nearby, we have no choice but to learn how to spy on our parents. No one wants to think they are spying, but the distance makes it necessary. Families need to gather a team of folks who can help reveal the true condition of the parent or loved one. Get to know the neighbors. They see and talk to the loved one in the yard and will be told things the loved one would never share with their family. Get to know the employees at the grocery store or the pharmacy. If the loved one shops there regularly they see things. Enlist the aid of the minister at the church or the director of senior adults, they may well know more about the health of the person than even their doctor. They also hide from doctors.
Our scattered society means most of us cannot see our loved one on a regular basis, but we can build an information team who does do so and can help us overcome the difficulty of care from long distance. Do you have some other things that might help keep us informed about distant loved ones? Please log on and share them in the comments following this blog.