We seem to be the only creatures God made that do not know how to get rid of our kids. All other creatures run them off, kick them out of the nest, or eat them, but we parent till we die. The hardest thing about being a parent is knowing when to stop being one. Somewhere along the line there needs to be a transition from "parent to child" to "adult to adult" relationships. Far too often, that transition does not take place and we end up in conflict. I said that in a meeting and a woman said, "My eighty year old mother was in a car accident and was hurt enough to be taken to the emergency room. When I arrived at the hospital she was lying on a gurney bleeding. The moment she saw me she said, 'When are you going to do something about that hair?" That is carrying it to the bitter end, and too often the end becomes very bitter.

If we do not build a relationship with our parents or with our children that is adult to adult at some point all of the communication between us will be guilt based. The problem becomes our trying to control our children's lives with no tools to do that with. When they were young we could discipline them, but we can't do that to grown children. As they got older we could withdraw privileges, but what can we withhold from grown and independent adults? The only tool we have left is guilt. We can hint, we can pout or we can whine. None of which work. All of which makes everyone miserable and leaves our children dreading to spend time with us.

When and if the need arises for long-term care decisions, there is no basis for logical or calm discussion. Both sides have long ago learned how to manipulate without real conversation and the war begins in earnest.

The best thing I did for my children was tell them they were free when they graduated from high school. I said something like. "I have put a lot into your life, but I have gotten a lot out of it as well so we are even. Let's quit while we are even. I don't want to be parent anymore. I want you to live your life like you think it ought to be lived and if I have a problem with how you do it I will handle that problem within myself. You are free." From that time on I have stayed out of their lives. I have gotten so accustomed to this that I no longer think about what they should be doing. I see them as adult people whom I love deeply. We all live in the same city; three of the four girls run my company and my life and have done so for over ten years in peace. That could not happen if I was still trying to parent them...if I was still pointing out their faults and telling them how they should live or how they should raise their children or spend their money.

Maybe the best advice I can give families as we prepare to face the aging process and decisions is if you have children, turn them loose. Your day is over. They now must put the raising you gave them to use in their own way and on their own schedule. If you don't do so both of you will end up miserable. You will be miserable because you are still trying to raise them and you can't. They will be miserable because you are still trying to raise them and you can't.

Who wants their children dreading to see them? Who wants their children feeling guilty every time they do see them? Life is too short to parent more than about eighteen years. Retire and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

If you have a parent, build an adult to adult relationship with them even if it requires a rather harsh rebellion. I would hope it would not take such drastic action of course. I think the first step would be a frank conversation. Most parents have no idea that they are still parenting and no idea how that makes a grown child feel. Talk to them instead of waiting until you get home and exploding to your mate. Take this article with you and read it together maybe that will start the conversation. At least that effort will broach the subject and let you know how tough the task may be. Don't stop at one effort. Don't back down and apologize no matter how much guilt comes your way. This must be seen through to conclusion. If all conversation fails, and sometimes it will, then it may mean you will have to take some rather drastic action.

Recently a woman finally got up the courage to confront an abusive father. He had always put her down. He told her she was no good and rejected everything about her. Of course she was the one left as the primary care giver while the more favored children came at their convenience to see the father and tell her what she was doing wrong. Nothing she tried worked until one day she stood up in the middle of one of his tirades and said, "I am leaving and I will not be back until you can treat me like a human being. I have taken all of this I will ever take. When you get ready to treat me nice, you find a way to get that message to me and I will be back. If not, then this is the last time we will ever see each other." And she left. He thought she was bluffing. The family jumped on her of course, but she stood her ground. She did not argue with them. She did not defend herself. She just laid out the conditions under which she would see and care for her father. When the old man finally realized she meant what she was saying, he apologized and they started over. After that, if he ever slipped and of course he did, she would just get up and leave saying, "I don’t take that anymore. The next time I come I expect an apology."

We really can determine how we will be treated even if it is a parent. Be sure you are treated as an adult.