There are an estimated ten million people in the United States that require almost full time care. 80% of that care is given by family members in the home. That number will grow by leaps and bounds in the years ahead as the Baby Boomers age. Right now they are the ones giving the care. It is a rather scary thing to realize that we are not only giving care to our aging parents we are setting the standard for the care our children will one day give to us. Some wag said "treat your children well, they will choose your nursing home."
As we have written in past blogs, almost all of the time, the care will fall on one member of the family. Sometimes the load is shared by maybe one other family member, but most of the time one person becomes the primary care giver. There are many reasons why this happens and many motives behind a person assuming this role or allowing it to be dumped on them if that be the case. Our issue here is how do we give support to the one chosen or dumped on?
I have watched far too many families take advantage of primary caregivers and leave them exhausted beyond belief. I have seen far too many happy families torn apart over the issue of care for aging parents. I know too many brothers and sisters who no longer speak to each other and have seen far too many law suits filed not really over the money as much as to get even with the other members of the family. If your family is ever going to split into factions, it will probably happen around this issue.
As I say over and over in these blogs, the only way to avoid misunderstanding is to have an understanding. I think the only way to avoid problems is to have a family meeting ahead of need where agreements can be reached. One of the major questions on the agenda of these meetings must be how does the family support the one who ends up doing the care?
SHOULD THE CAREGIVER BE COMPENSATED? My wife and I were the primary caregivers to my mother-in-law, my father, and, to a lesser extent, my mother. I would not have accepted any payment from the family for this care, but the offer of such would have been welcomed. It would have been recognition by the family that my wife and I were making a large sacrifice of time and effort in the care. If there are funds available, then certainly the family should at least make the effort to reimburse the caregiver in some way. My wife's brother and sister insisted that we take a fully paid trip to show their thanks. Just having our work acknowledged meant more than the trip.
PROTECTION IS THE GREATEST SUPPORT. The most evident area of support is rest. The same thing that leads a person to accept the task of care, can also lead them to overdo to a point that may well be dangerous. The rest of the family should monitor the care and if necessary force the caregiver to rest.
The caregiver may well need protection from a parent being abusive. Some of us old folks become demanding and verbally abusive as we age. Some do not know they are doing so, others have made this a habit for years and just got worse when they failed to adjust to aging.
Quite often the one giving care is the one who has been the brunt of this verbal abuse most of their lives. They feel like unblessed children and hope the care will cause the parent to finally love them. They find a torrent of abuse instead. The family must be sure they know if this is happening and be ready to intervene on behalf of the caregiver. They may not be able to control the problem, but the notice and response will mean a great deal to the caregiver. Future blogs will deal with abusive parents in more detail and hopefully give some guidance to families wanting to help.
Because the care and support of the primary caregiver is of such importance, I have developed a series called The Bill Of Rights For Caregivers. These will appear one at a time in this category and will then be filed in the archives of this area. Watch for them to appear.
If you are a primary caregiver, we would love to know of your experience and your needs. Please log in and respond to this column. Thanks.