I am one bunch behind the group called "The Greatest Generation". I was nine years old when World War II began and not yet old enough to serve when it was over, but I am close enough to observe some things about that generation and close enough to realize a whole lot of that generation rubbed off on my bunch. Not so much the greatness, but at least our habits and reactions seem to be very much alike.

Both generations seem to have trouble expressing feelings or admitting need. This is especially true among the men, but the women of our times seem to have some of the same tendencies as well. We hint a lot more than we ask. We pout a lot more than we explode, and we whine a lot more than we explain. 

As both generations approach the time when we must submit to being cared for instead of being the caregivers, families are faced with the difficult task of trying to communicate with folks who don't know how to speak with clarity. They must spend a great deal of time either trying to read our minds or learning to read between and even behind the lines in a effort to know what we really want or need.

One incident with my father is a classic example of this issue. As my father's health began to fade away, he began telling us that he did not want us to go to any trouble or expense for his funeral. He, like so many others among us, would say, "Just put me in a cardboard box and drop me in some ditch somewhere." When the family would protest, he would speak all the more positive about that being what he wanted to happen. I have heard families all over the country tell of  hearing the same thing from their aging parents. I have officiated at hundreds of funerals that were either very poorly done in an effort to please the person who said these kinds of things, or were well done but the family felt guilty for going against the wishes of the deceased. 

I began to notice that my father seemed to look for ways to bring up the subject so he could give the speech over and over again. I began to read between or behind the lines and wondered why he brought it up so often. Did he do so because that is really what he wanted done, or did he do so in hopes of broaching a subject he did not know how to talk about? One key to reading the minds of my generation is to question why we talk about some subject so often. Perhaps we protest too much. I also began to observe what pattern he followed to steer the conversation toward this one topic. I decided to try a different approach.

The very next time he steered me into the subject I said, "Your funeral is my last gift to you, you never have been able to pick out your own gifts and you will not get to do so now. You may not need a funeral, but we do. You may not think you are worth honoring, but we do. I heard a story about a man who had cemetery lots on both coast. When his children asked him where he wanted to be buried, he said 'Surprise me', you are in for a surprise."

I can't remember many times when my father look as pleased as he looked at that moment. He relaxed and a beautiful smile claimed his face. I did not know it then but I had opened the door to some wonderful conversations. From that moment on, he wanted to talk about his death and his funeral. We planned every detail over and over. He asked me to write it out for him and he would grab those notes as soon as I walked into the room. All of that box in the ditch stuff was just a rather oblique effort to get someone to really talk with him about his death and funeral.

Would it have been so much easier if he had just said that up front? Certainly, but that is not how our generations do it. This applies to not only how we talk about death and funerals, it fits our approach to many if not all areas of our lives. Behind most of our verbose statements lies a conversation we really would love to have if someone could read between and behind the lines. We may not be the greatest generation, but we certainly are the most stubborn. 

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