Her story is a composite of hundreds I have heard and tried to unravel over the years. After her father died, they helped her mother buy a small house next door to theirs. Neither her sister nor her brother were involved in this transaction and no one objected to the deed to the house being in their names along with her mother's. This was done for legal reasons in case something happened to the mother. No one was trying to steal anything.
A few years ago, the mother developed Alzheimer's and it became evident she could no longer live alone, even right next door. The family assumed the answer would be for the mother to live in a care facility. They had no idea what such care cost now and were shocked to find out this cost is not paid for by the government. There was no way they could afford outside care, and their home was far too small to accommodate the mother and her care.
The solution was to sell both homes and use the money to purchase a home that was large enough to meet the need. She talked this over with her sister and brother. Both agreed it was the only option available. The sales were done and a house was bought.
Nothing was put into writing. Had someone suggested a written agreement all involved would have protested that after all it was among family and a contract would be an insult. Thus is the stage set for one more family feud.
The woman spent two years of twenty-four hour care with a mother who became more difficult by the day. No one helped her. No one thought to relieve her and give her some time to rest. All the rest of the family had to offer was advice and hinted criticism. In spite of very good care with no complaints, the mother fell and the fall lead to a gradual decline and death.
The funeral was on Saturday. Monday morning the brother and sister were at the woman's house wanting to go to the bank and get started on dividing up the money they just knew was waiting for them. They wanted the money from the sale of the mother's home. When the woman explained that the money went toward buying a place for the mother to live, the explosion could be heard three doors away. Both denied ever agreeing to sell the home and purchase the new space. They accused their sister of using the money for herself and demanded that it be repaid.
The sister was especially upset and of course now has an attorney looking to sue. Hopefully, when the attorneys figure out there is not enough money available to pay their fees, the suit will be dropped. Dropped or not the damage has been done. A family has been torn apart and may never get past the anger and hurt.
The frightening thing to me is that far too many people reading this will tsk tsk a few times and think, "This could never happen to my family." Yes it can. The only way to avoid misunderstanding is to have an understanding. The only kind of understanding that matters are the ones in writing. Write it down. If it is among family, be sure and write it down. Not that families are more prone to misunderstanding, but because misunderstandings among families are so devastating we should go to any lengths to insure they do not happen.
These experiences make having a family meeting ahead of need all the more vital. No matter how much trouble is involved nor how awkward it is to broach the subject, every family should sit down with the parents and begin designing a care plan for the future. Most of the care decisions are made on the spur of the moment by a small part of the family. These decisions are gut wrenching and guilt ridden enough to impact even the best of families. Then when a death happens, the emotions and pain can cloud minds and stir angers enough to turn loose tongues to say things that will be regretted and never gotten over.
Get it in writing. If it is family, be sure to get it in writing.
If you would like to respond to this blog, please log in, type in your response in the Comments box and click save. I look forward to hearing from you.