Moving to a strange city to be near our children is not easy and is not done without some great losses and pain. My Father and mother moved to be near us when they were my current age of 76. Mother made the transition much easier than my Father, or at least she made it much quieter than he did. When I look back on it I wonder just how much she lost and how hard it was for her to make the adjustment.
In my father's case, he lost his identity. He was an honored and much loved person in his home town. In my town he was known as my father with no one knowing who he was or what his life had accomplished. It may not sound like a very big deal, but until we have experienced the loss of identity we cannot know how serious it is.
They lost their friends. The one reason I hear most folks my age give for not wanting to move is their friends cannot come to see them. I know a woman who needs hospitalization quite regularly but insist on going to a rather limited local hospital instead of one of the much better equipped ones in the city where her children live. The major reason is she wants her friends to come to see her and she is afraid they will not make the drive in city traffic to do so. All of them do make that drive on a fairly regular basis for doctor's appointments and shopping, but she is afraid they will not do so in order to visit her in the hospital. Her children can argue all they want and apply all the pressure possible but she will not budge.
The loss of friends is very real, and facing a move certainly means friends will be lost. We can promise that the relationships will stay strong and we will make efforts to see each other, but as time goes by the relationships fade and we are left with memories of a long lost past.
All of this simply says, making a move to be near our children is tough and it creates loss and grief. With that said, I still think we should be willing to make the sacrifice. We should do so because it is the intelligent thing to do and the safest thing to do.
YOUR FRIENDS WILL NOT TAKE CARE OF YOU
My father made the move on his own without any pressure or input from me whatsoever. When the losses hit him he began to react and blame me for his unhappiness. He began telling me why he wanted to move back home and the conversation sounded like we were having an argument about it, but I was not saying a word. He said, "If a person has lived over seventy years in one place they should never have to move." I agreed. Then he would answer the unstated argument about care by saying, "My friends will take care of me when the time comes and I need care." I bit my tongue and said nothing at all. He never did move back, and the day came when he needed almost constant care from both my mother and me. As I picked him up from the bath one day, he finally said, "I don't know what I would do if you were not here." I said, "yeah all your friends are a little too old to do this aren't they?"
We may not want to do so, and it is a sacrifice on our part, but the time comes in our living when we must be practical and we must put the convenience and availability of care ahead of our own fear of losing place or friends. If we live long enough we will need the care only our families can or will give. If they are going to be loving enough to give the time and energy to care for us, then we should be unselfish enough to make it as easy on them as possible. I have been caregiver to three loved ones. I know what it takes to give care. I cannot ask my children to make wholesale changes in their lives and live through trying to give care by long distance just so I won't have to loose my identity or miss my friends.
If you would like to make a comment, please log in. I look forward to hearing from you.